I think that I have lost my energy and drive for moving forward right now. I've been so excited about all the changes, but the meds are finally kicking in and changing what I can and cannot do.
My meds make me extremely tired and I am now falling asleep in the middle of doing things. I mean I try hard to stay awake and push myself and can't. I don't drive anymore. I'm too scared to. I don't normally allow myself to believe I can't do something, let alone announce it to the world... but I'm scared.
Bill is going to Poland for 2 +weeks at the same time Ryan goes back to school. I can't drive him to school in the mornings because I could very well fall asleep while driving. Ryan can't walk to school, because he doesn't have anyone he can walk with. Since I have upped my meds I haven't driven at all. Bill takes me everywhere I need to go. I'm so dependant on him. I now have to either stop taking my meds while Bill is gone, drive Ryan anyway, or try to find a ride for him for two weeks. All my friend's kids go to different schools!
I hate this loss of independence. I hate having to rely on others. I'm not a very good receiver of help. I tend to feel like people think I should still be able to do it, and why am I whining and asking for help. I feel like people think I should just get off my fat butt and just do it. People probably don't think that, but that's how I feel. I also feel that I need to contribute to my own living and get involved instead of letting others do it for me.
Stubborn... I know. I pride myself on what I can do for others. I think it's because honestly, no one ever really helped me or my brother growing up. My mom did everything herself and always ended up helping others. After she was diagnosed with MS, everyone disappeared and she had to deal with it on her own.... I guess I'm more like my mom than I wanted to believe. All my life, people have never dropped what they were doing to help me. They have always seen me as the person who never needs help... I guess I helped make that opinion. ::sigh:: I hate this... I hate not being able to run to the store with the car if I want. I hate that I can't be trusted to drive my son somewhere.
I'm helpless and that makes me angry as hell. I can't work, but I can't get disability. I can't help bring money into the house. I can't help with heavy housework or deal with cleaners. Now I can't even do the running around. Bill has to do everything. He deserves the break. He deserves the trip to Poland, but he will be spending the whole time worrying about me and Ryan. I feel useless... I'm really starting to get depressed over this. I wonder if I'll ever get back to me again.
