Answer to Previous Blog

Moodiness
Grades in school are going down
Sleeps all day
Hides in their room
Keeps the door closed/locked
Distrusts adults that are/were close to them
Seems to have no emotion most of the time
Easy to temper
Mouthing back to adult/leadership figures
Shying away from family and family events
Stays in the dark/windows closed
No longer hugs/close to family figures like siblings, parents, grandparents.
Appearance changes (clothes, hair, piercings etc)
Vague answers to questions
Refuses to share information about friends and daily items
Stops doing chores at home
Changes the friends they hang out with
Small lies about small things
Missing money out of their account/savings
Stops going to church

Those were the warning signs listed in the previous blog. I was emailed privately a lot of people’s answers, as well as many posted under the blog. Before I give you the answer, I want to tell you a true story about a family I know that came up against these warning signs...

A couple had a teenage son, who started exhibiting the above behavior. At first the parents blew it off as just teenage growth and that their son would get over it. As the months passed and the grades failed, they talked to the school, who stated the boy had a learning disability, and should be tested. The parents thought it was odd, as the teen was already past college level in most testing. The parents had their son tested, no learning disability...

The parents watched 20/20 one night, it was about sexual molestation of teens. The program at the end listed the warning signs, their son matched them perfectly. They had long conversations with the teen. They let him know he could trust them. After constant pushing, they found that their son was not a vicitim of molestation. (sigh of relief)

A few months later, the son was found using the computer for sexual sites, even after his best friend had just been busted for doing the exact same thing. A Montel Williams show had talked about teens that are having sex exhibiting the exact behavior listed above, that those behaviors are warnings to parents that their children are having sex, or are questioning their sexual orientation. The parents were really concerned. They sat down and asked the teen if he was sexually active, he said no, and that he was just curious what all the fuss was about seeing porn on the internet. His parents asked if he was confused about his sexual orientation... they were trying to be open minded.. but the son was able to prove that he was straight, by showing the sites he had been on. Plus he was very interested in the current girlfriend he had.

The local news had a huge story regarding teens and alcohol and drug use. They talked about huffing, crack, weed, prescriptions drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. They listed the warning signs your kids would show if this was in their lives. Yep it was the exact list above. The parents fought and fought with the teen. He swore up and down he wasn’t doing drugs. The parents asked him to explain all the warning signs... how could they all be wrong. He didn’t know, they just were. So his parents went out and bought a home drug kit test at the drug store. He was NOT positive for drugs. He had no want for alcohol and there was no alcohol missing from the house.

As the teen exhibited more severe behavior, the parents got very worried. They had watched a Dr. Phil show and saw the warning signs. This had to be it! That’s why their son is so quiet and doesn’t talk to people. The parents wrote an email to Dr. Phil about their teenage son. 4 days later a producer from the show called the parents. They wanted to bring the teen and the parents on to the show and have Dr. Phil help them. See all these school shootings had been happening, and the Dr. Phil show stated that if this boy did not get help right away from Dr. Phil, he would be the next kid to shoot up a school. The parents paniced and were willing to do anything to help their son. A day later, the producer from the show called. They cancelled the teen boy from being on the show. They found another teen, who actually had a hit list, and they were going to use him instead. The parents were concerned and confronted their teen yet again. They wanted to know if he felt bullied, did he want to get revenge. The teen didn’t want to talk anymore. He was tired of being confronted. He totally shut down.

One day, while the mom was talking to one of her son’s friends, the friend mentioned that the teen was depressed and was going to commit suicide. Wow! Looking up on the internet all the warning signs were there, how could they have been missed. The mom sat and talked to her son, who wanted nothing to do with the conversation. He stated that it was his friend that was having these problems, not him.

The parents were dumbfounded. Every bad thing a teen does or has done to them, has the exact same list of warning signs. How are you suppose to know which bad thing it is.

After a year of just being clueless and watching their son never really change, they finally got it. They knew what was wrong with their teen... he was being a teenager. As they thought back to when they were teenagers, they had pulled similiar things and attitudes. It was a part of growing up and learning to be on your own.

The problem is, the parents were trying so hard to be proactive parents and make sure that they were listening to the warning signs, that they didn’t notice that they had actually pushed their son away. He didn’t feel trusted, he felt like they wanted there to be something wrong with him. His privacy was always invaded. Long talks and lectures were common place. The more they worried and confronted him, the more he wanted to get away. The drug test really hurt him. He was always home... he didn’t understand how they could think these things of him.

The son couldn’t wait to move out and be on his own. He wanted to prove to his parents and to himself that he could be trusted. He was going to prove he wasn’t a druggie, a manic depressive murderer, an alcoholic, a vicitim of molestation, addicted to sex, unsure of his sexual orientation, or even suffered from a learning disability. He was going to prove that he would actually do better on his own than under his parents’ constant barrage of questions and stares.

You know, he did it. He was able to show his ability to live out there on his own and not be in any trouble. He’s been living on his own for 6 months now. He has an awesome job with benefits, and is doing well in his college class.

Parents are told over and over again that there are warning signs to look for, to know what problems your children are facing. The list looks the same for each item, including just being a normal teenager.

Most kids are good. If you instill in them morals and a sense of direction, they will more than likely make it okay. There may be some bumps, but for the most part, they will be okay. There is a very small percentage that don’t do so well, and they are exaggerated. Parents have to learn to trust their guts about their children. Many times you can push a child to do the behavior you think they are doing.

The best you can do is keep the lines of communication open with your teen, let them know you trust them and love them. Give them a chance to succeed on their own at different times. Acknowledge the good, try not to stress so hard on the bad or unpleasant. PICK YOUR BATTLES. Pray for your child and for yourself.

Teenagers are no angels, but they aren’t all criminals either.

It took us 8 years to finally understand and get it. Us, the parents that were going to be cool, the ones who weren’t going to be like their parents, we weren’t going to freak out... but when we saw these kids/teens in trouble... we worried and didn’t want that to be our son... we almost pushed him to be that teen.

I wanted to share this with all of you, because we allowed the media and everyone else to influence us in what our teen was doing and how we should confront him, that we didn’t even stopped to think that this behavior might be normal.

So for those of you who answered, you are all right. That list of warning signs is used for all of those items, including normal teenage behavior. It’s too bad AJ had to suffer through 8 years of us confronting, questioning and lecturing him for us to understand it.

We’re sorry AJ. Will you forgive us? We were only trying to be good parents. We were trying to make sure we were doing right, and in doing so, we forgot to listen to you. We are very proud of you and love you so much!

What are these warning signs of - Please respond with your answer

I am going to list some warning signs that you should take notice of in your teen. I would like you to respond and tell me what you think the warning signs are warning a parent of teenager is happening to them. When you list what you think these things are warnings for, please list why you think so and any references you got your information from (ie, doctor, Oprah, book, magazines, news etc.) After people have had time to respond, I will post a new blog with the answer.

Moodiness
Grades in school are going down
Sleeps all day
Hides in their room
Keeps the door closed/locked
Distrusts adults that are/were close to them
Seems to have no emotion most of the time
Easy to temper
Mouthing back to adult/leadership figures
Shying away from family and family events
Stays in the dark/windows closed
No longer hugs/close to family figures like siblings, parents, grandparents.
Appearance changes (clothes, hair, piercings etc)
Vague answers to questions
Refuses to share information about friends and daily items
Stops doing chores at home
Changes the friends they hang out with
Small lies about small things
Missing money out of their account/savings
Stops going to church