Feeling a Little Deflated..

I have a really good friend that I met when I lived in Nebraska. He thought I was pretty when others didn't. He was a ton of fun and we spent hours and hours on the phone together (he didn't live in the same town as I did). Whenever we would go to Sioux City, I would call him up so he could meet me at the mall.

He invited me to the church he went to. It was my first really big church and it was cool. He would move around a lot and we would lose touch. Every time I needed him though, he seemed to either come visit me or call me. It was great. I started calling him my angel. There were many times when I would go to great lengths to find him as well. When I would finally get him on the phone he would be so happy to hear from me... even after we both had gotten married. His friendship meant everything to me. It always seemed we picked up where we left off, there was never any nervous quiet or anything.

Well, I lost touch with him when a Christmas card came back to me. He hadn't told me he moved (as usual) and there was no forwarding address. I looked for him and couldn't find him. Then honestly, my life got really busy and although he would pop up in my mind at least once a week... I didn't go "searching" for him.

However, in the last five years I have. I have found other people with his name and the same bday and wished them happy birthday, only to find out it wasn't him. The last year it became so important to find him. Everything would remind me of him... and not being able to find him was worrying me. I was hoping he hadn't passed away.. I wasn't sure what to think. I wanted to talk to my good friend again. I wanted to tell him about the many times he truly saved my life and thank him. I missed our conversations, I missed him. Bill was trying to help me find him but it just wasn't working out.

Then Tuesday night on our way home from Downtown Disney, it just wouldn't leave me alone. Every song was about missing someone or the song that I remember him most by was on. I prayed to God, "Please either take these feelings and need for him away, or help me find him. If I am suppose to find him, please make it soon, because my heart can't take this."

That night when I got home, I couldn't sleep. So I started my search again, then there he was. I had done all this before and not found him. In fact I did it last week! But there he was. He was in New York of all places, not at all where I would have expected to find him. I had his number, his email address and his phone number. I was pretty sure it was him... but I had thought that about the guy I wished a happy birthday to last year.

So I tried out the email address, and it didn't bounce back! That was good. But I really really wanted to talk to him. I so imagined hearing him be excited that we had found each other again on the other end of the phone.

I knew that there was a three hour time difference between us and New York. So, I watched my clock, waiting for 7:30 am their time. I was figuring he probably had kids and was getting ready for work, so I just wanted to catch him to make sure it was him. My heart was pounding out of my chest.

So, when it was time I called. His wife answered in her very strong New York accent. She seemed a bit upset. She asked me if I knew what time it was and I said yes, I wanted to catch him before he went to work. She asked where I was calling from and I said California. She asked what I was calling about (she thought I was a telemarketer), I told her I was a childhood friend of his. She gave him the phone. (In his wife's defense, their phone number is unlisted and on the do not call list, so I should not have been able to find their number)

Mike got on the phone and I heard his voice and knew this was him. He knew it was me, I didn't expect him to be surprised... cause we had done this many times before. But he didn't sound happy. This guy who I had this amazing connection to and relationship with, didn't sound happy that I had found him. I tried and tried to think why he wouldn't want to be found or at least by me. I couldn't think of any fights or any offenses that had happened.

He graciously entertained me on the phone, although he sounded as though he wanted off NOW. I was so deflated. I was so excited to find him and hear his voice... but then nothing... God provided the miracle of handing me his phone number which was unlisted and on the do not call list for this?

It's true that now that I have found him that pounding need to find him is gone... but I don't know what to think or feel about his reaction. I'm not going to call him and ask him to explain himself... that would probably piss him off. I sent him emails with links to pictures to see how things have changed for me, and no comment on those. I don't want to annoy him, but I just feel so so deflated. If he didn't want me back in his life, why did God permit it? I mean instead of performing the miracle of finding him, couldn't God have just performed the miracle of me letting go of him?

This man is so special to me, that my husband even gets it, ya know. My husband has helped me look for him. He understands. That doesn't happen that often with my husband.

I had very few friends when I was in Walthill and only one or two best friends. This guy was one of them. When I had an out of town boyfriend, this guy was ranked over the boyfriend. In fact meeting him in a mall just out of the blue when I was with this boyfriend, is when I started realizing I shouldn't be with the boyfriend anymore.

I could be myself with him. Now it feels weird. I just want the friendship. I don't want or demand anything else. I just want to have his friendship back in my life. I wonder though if he really does. I guess my prayer now is that he get real and honest with me, even if it's going to hurt me. I would rather hear the truth than feel this way the rest of my life.

::sigh::

At 5:02 pm....

At 5:02 pm Harry Beagle passed away.

Who was Harry Beagle only the most wonderful, friendly, cuddly, understanding Scouting Leader there has ever been. Trainer, Leader, Scout, Cook, Friend, co-worker, father figure, my positive direction... all of these things describe this man who I've known since 1995.

He was my first really good Scouting friend, he was the person who pushed me to be better, who encouraged me to keep going, who let me know I was worth it....

I never saw a kid that didn't like Harry or that Harry didn't like. Harry believed in the Scouting program. He believed that every boy should have a chance to be a Scout and have fun. He didn't care about the politics of adults and the back biting that happens in every organization. He cared about the kids, including the ones over 18 :-).

Harry was my bright part of my day during Scouting events and when I worked down at headquarters. He remembered me and always asked me to work his events and training, even when others thought I didn't exist anymore. He gave me Woodbadge advise and total support when I ran PowWow!

He was/is married to an awesome woman (the best couple in the world). They taught us how to have a fun marriage, how to support each other, even in the toughest of times. Although his wife, Sue, is a little more careful in voicing her opinions... you still know how she feels.

Harry just flat out told you. Whenever I think of Scouting... I think of Harry. Harry watch AJ from Tiger all the way to Eagle. Harry made special efforts to give Ryan's Tiger Scouts full attention when they visited him.

Harry would cook for our trainings and events and would push himself to the very limits, but smile the whole time. His smile made you realize that there is always good in the world.

I had only seen Harry get really angry twice... and you know what... even in his anger, there was a soft spot in him that let you know, it wasn't the people, but the situation he was mad at.

Harry is irreplaceable. There will never be another one like him, ever. I will miss him very very deeply.

I love you Harry Beary!!!!

Chocolates, Retreat, and Friends

Well, I promised so many that I would blog about the retreat... I was kinda holding out for pictures, but my mom-in-law, Donna, isn't home yet to send them to me. So I decided to go ahead and blog.

I have to let you know that Thursday (day before the retreat), Bill had a Catscan done on his cheek. Well that night, he had an allergic reaction to the contrast used. He had rashes everywhere, including his inner thighs (it looked like someone used a cheese grater on them). He was in the ER until 2 am. He came home with 4 different meds. So we had been up late worrying about him. Bill still has a minor rash on his thighs, but the rest is gone. Thank you for your prayers. (we still don't have the results on the Catscan)

As most of you know, I was having an issue with my chocolates. I was going to sell them at the retreat, and on Wednesday afternoon (2 days before the retreat), I was told I couldn't sell them. I was such a wreck. However, God allows things for a reason. I was advised by many to still take my chocolates and sell them. I thought about it, and decided that as a Christian I cannot and should not break rules. As long as the rules do not conflict with God's rules, I must follow them. So I chose not to sell them at the retreat and I told people that. As soon as I took a stand, people started emailing me and calling me to order chocolates. That was wonderful. So, I thought that was the reason for all of this, but there was another reason.

For the last year, I have been studying and working on forgiveness. I have really felt compelled to write about or teach about forgiveness. I wanted so bad to teach a workshop on forgiveness at the retreat, but I was not chosen. I was sure that is what I was being led to do. Well, in all of the chocolate mess, I had to learn to forgive something big. It's been a long time since I've had to forgive something that has hurt me so deep. I struggled. I had looked up scriptures, I had screamed to God to help me forgive... I had forgotten how hard it is to forgive the big things. I needed to have that happen, so that I could put together my forgiveness class properly. I needed to experience the pain in a more recent time frame. How I handled the forgiveness this time was different too. It was quicker, I was doing what I was going to teach others to do. I was walking what I was going to talk, and still I felt pain, and struggled. It made me remember how hard it can be.

At the retreat I also learned about two ways to forgive which helped as well. I needed more experience and more studying. God provided that to me. People always say, be careful what you pray for, you might just get it... well I did. I walk away with this as a positive experience though. :-)

So, on to the retreat itsself. Donna and I arrived early (we were in our 1st Coldwater Creek outfits). I was on the retreat committee and I had to bring the posters I had made and get the handouts for the workshop leaders that I was helping. Donna and I checked in and got situated. Then Cindy (our other roommate) checked in as well. We met with other ladies from VGCC and another workshop leader, Cindi, at Tio Leo's and had dinner. It was fun.

We rushed back over to the hotel to watch Mary do her signing to music. We then listened to Carol Rischer and her daughters (and son-in-law) sing. They of course were beautiful. Then Bonnie Floyd came up to speak about getting under the blanket and spending time with just God. She introduced us to her Donnie (we had been waiting a year to meet him), and gave her testimony that night. I had heard it last year, but was still just as powerful. Christian or not, her story is not one someone should pass up. It shows more than just a Christian heart. It shows love, strength, and compassion that anyone can learn from.

Donna, Cindy and I decided to head to our room and get ready for bed. We stayed up talking until 1 am. It was funny/weird. I was with two ladies who I thought I knew and both were different when we were talking that night. I got to see a side of each of them I had never seen before. I loved it. Although I got the last word in before everyone fell asleep, I think that is the most time I have spent with either one of them and NOT been the person who was talking the most.

In the morning I got up first and stole the shower :-). Then Donna rose and then Cindy. We got ourselves ready (Donna and I in our 2nd outfits from Coldwater Creek). We are all very girly and pretty and headed down to have breakfast. It was funny, although we didn't plan it this way, we always seemed to sit with the same people. Sometimes there were others at our table too, but it always seemed that the early people from VGCC to sit down were, Mary, Dawn, Judi, Donna, Cindy, and myself. So, just know that if any of the 6 of us are invited anywhere or are hosting something, we are on time or early people, take note!! :-)

Breakfast was good. Mary got up and signed again (she is always good). Our worship team got up and sang again, and we celebrated Deanna's win on the Ellen Show (good story, but has to be told in person if you haven't seen her on the Ellen show both times). Afterwards, Bonnie got up and spoke some more. (She is an awesome speaker. Very relatable and human. She makes mistakes, she has feelings we have, she isn't better than us.)

We broke out into our 1st workshops. I went to Donna's class first. I was taking pictures for her, but by the end of her class, had a ton of notes on my handout. She did very well. Very proud of her. She really should think about doing this on a regular basis. At the end of her class, the group had a lot of questions and wanted to talk and share (a good sign of a good class).

My second workshop took me to Cindi's class. It was about re-energizing yourself. She did very well too. I was in that class with Cindy. I walked away with two of her books, and I don't like to read LOL!

I had heard some of the workshops were not that great, and some were really inspiring. With 7 workshops to choose from it was a bummer that we only had two sessions.

After the workshops, we were on our own for lunch. Donna, Cindy, Dawn and I (how funny two Cindy's/Cyndi's and two Dawn's/Donna's) went to the Carlsbad Outlets by the flower fields. We barely got a parking spot, it was jam packed. We ate at Ruby's and then looked around the stores. Everyone bought something, but the one person who really wanted to shop, Cindy! :-(
Afterwards, we went over to the strawberry fields and I bought a huge flat of strawberries, YUM!!! They were huge and sweet, and yes I shared! (however, when they got home, Dad (Dan, Bill's dad), Bill and Ryan helped finish them off)

We got back just in time to have dinner. Dinner was served to us this time. Salad, Stuffed Chicken breast and dessert. It was a "high-end" dinner :-). Door prizes were handed out and Mary signed again. Love watching her!!! Again the Rischer family sang. Mom was happy because they sang the Italian song I had bought her last year. (although Becca (Bill's sister) just started getting serious with a guy recently, Mom and I had already decided this was being sung at Becca's wedding). Bonnie got up and shared even more with us. (The messages were awesome and I wrote many notes. I know she has these on CD's if you are interested).

After all of this, we met with the VGCC gals for our afterglow. That's when we all sit down and hang out, relax and talk. Half of us were in our pj's and really just chillin'. We were able to trust one another and tell some of the things that were really bothering us or that we needed help with. I saw our entire group of ladies come together and support each other. It was amazing. It was great to see how much love there really is and feel the support of everyone. We prayed for certain individuals who really needed prayer and we walked away each with a card and a name of someone to write a few words of encouragement to.

When we got back into our room, I got called to meet a friend downstairs who needed to just talk. So downstairs and outside I went in my nightshirt, robe and slippers! LOL! I returned to the room to Donna and Cindy in a deep discussion. I laid on the bed and mostly listened. I was happy to get to know everyone better. I was even getting to know Donna on a deeper level, which I really loved. We didn't get to sleep until after 1:30.

The next morning (Sunday) it was hard to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep in so bad. But I made sure I wasn't the only one getting up. I text messaged Bill so that he would have to get up too... yes, I know, I am evil!

We got downstairs, just in time (we were not late, like a lot of people). We watched an amazing signing from Mary, we listened to wonderful music, we learned about where our Women's Donations were going and raised over $3,000.00 that morning for it. Bonnie hit home with her last message to us. She put it all back in our laps. She made us realize we have to make the choices, we are responsible for what we choose. It was wonderful. I was able to make a special connection with 5 other ladies that weekend. They are special in my heart for different reasons. Each one brings a different need/support to me. The five of them together, makes one best friend.

After, we got ready to leave. I met some people who were really touched and helped by being at the retreat. I met a lady who had enjoyed Donna's class a lot. When we got home. Our guys were ready to eat, and so were Cindy's guys. So we went to Chipotle for lunch with them. It was kind of a nice way to top off the retreat.

That night, although completely worn out and tired. Donna and I stayed up talking. I felt so close to her. She and I shared some really deep and personal items. She had never heard my testimony before. I shared it with her. I shared with her some differences in beliefs systems that I had experienced. I just felt so safe in talking to her that night. Bill had woken up and realized I wasn't in bed, he came out to see us still awake. We asked what time it was... 1:30 am. Yep, time to go to bed.

I went to the retreat with a different agenda. I had things I wanted to get out of it... but I got more. I have 5 people I trust and rely on. I have a very close friend now. I also have a deep connection and new understanding with Donna. I walked out with more personal experiences with people. I thought I might have huge revelations about God. I did, but it was through the people around me.

So, that was the retreat. I was great. If you can go to one, I strongly suggest it. Don't worry if you don't know anyone there, you'll walk away knowing a lot of people.

Answer to Previous Blog

Moodiness
Grades in school are going down
Sleeps all day
Hides in their room
Keeps the door closed/locked
Distrusts adults that are/were close to them
Seems to have no emotion most of the time
Easy to temper
Mouthing back to adult/leadership figures
Shying away from family and family events
Stays in the dark/windows closed
No longer hugs/close to family figures like siblings, parents, grandparents.
Appearance changes (clothes, hair, piercings etc)
Vague answers to questions
Refuses to share information about friends and daily items
Stops doing chores at home
Changes the friends they hang out with
Small lies about small things
Missing money out of their account/savings
Stops going to church

Those were the warning signs listed in the previous blog. I was emailed privately a lot of people’s answers, as well as many posted under the blog. Before I give you the answer, I want to tell you a true story about a family I know that came up against these warning signs...

A couple had a teenage son, who started exhibiting the above behavior. At first the parents blew it off as just teenage growth and that their son would get over it. As the months passed and the grades failed, they talked to the school, who stated the boy had a learning disability, and should be tested. The parents thought it was odd, as the teen was already past college level in most testing. The parents had their son tested, no learning disability...

The parents watched 20/20 one night, it was about sexual molestation of teens. The program at the end listed the warning signs, their son matched them perfectly. They had long conversations with the teen. They let him know he could trust them. After constant pushing, they found that their son was not a vicitim of molestation. (sigh of relief)

A few months later, the son was found using the computer for sexual sites, even after his best friend had just been busted for doing the exact same thing. A Montel Williams show had talked about teens that are having sex exhibiting the exact behavior listed above, that those behaviors are warnings to parents that their children are having sex, or are questioning their sexual orientation. The parents were really concerned. They sat down and asked the teen if he was sexually active, he said no, and that he was just curious what all the fuss was about seeing porn on the internet. His parents asked if he was confused about his sexual orientation... they were trying to be open minded.. but the son was able to prove that he was straight, by showing the sites he had been on. Plus he was very interested in the current girlfriend he had.

The local news had a huge story regarding teens and alcohol and drug use. They talked about huffing, crack, weed, prescriptions drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. They listed the warning signs your kids would show if this was in their lives. Yep it was the exact list above. The parents fought and fought with the teen. He swore up and down he wasn’t doing drugs. The parents asked him to explain all the warning signs... how could they all be wrong. He didn’t know, they just were. So his parents went out and bought a home drug kit test at the drug store. He was NOT positive for drugs. He had no want for alcohol and there was no alcohol missing from the house.

As the teen exhibited more severe behavior, the parents got very worried. They had watched a Dr. Phil show and saw the warning signs. This had to be it! That’s why their son is so quiet and doesn’t talk to people. The parents wrote an email to Dr. Phil about their teenage son. 4 days later a producer from the show called the parents. They wanted to bring the teen and the parents on to the show and have Dr. Phil help them. See all these school shootings had been happening, and the Dr. Phil show stated that if this boy did not get help right away from Dr. Phil, he would be the next kid to shoot up a school. The parents paniced and were willing to do anything to help their son. A day later, the producer from the show called. They cancelled the teen boy from being on the show. They found another teen, who actually had a hit list, and they were going to use him instead. The parents were concerned and confronted their teen yet again. They wanted to know if he felt bullied, did he want to get revenge. The teen didn’t want to talk anymore. He was tired of being confronted. He totally shut down.

One day, while the mom was talking to one of her son’s friends, the friend mentioned that the teen was depressed and was going to commit suicide. Wow! Looking up on the internet all the warning signs were there, how could they have been missed. The mom sat and talked to her son, who wanted nothing to do with the conversation. He stated that it was his friend that was having these problems, not him.

The parents were dumbfounded. Every bad thing a teen does or has done to them, has the exact same list of warning signs. How are you suppose to know which bad thing it is.

After a year of just being clueless and watching their son never really change, they finally got it. They knew what was wrong with their teen... he was being a teenager. As they thought back to when they were teenagers, they had pulled similiar things and attitudes. It was a part of growing up and learning to be on your own.

The problem is, the parents were trying so hard to be proactive parents and make sure that they were listening to the warning signs, that they didn’t notice that they had actually pushed their son away. He didn’t feel trusted, he felt like they wanted there to be something wrong with him. His privacy was always invaded. Long talks and lectures were common place. The more they worried and confronted him, the more he wanted to get away. The drug test really hurt him. He was always home... he didn’t understand how they could think these things of him.

The son couldn’t wait to move out and be on his own. He wanted to prove to his parents and to himself that he could be trusted. He was going to prove he wasn’t a druggie, a manic depressive murderer, an alcoholic, a vicitim of molestation, addicted to sex, unsure of his sexual orientation, or even suffered from a learning disability. He was going to prove that he would actually do better on his own than under his parents’ constant barrage of questions and stares.

You know, he did it. He was able to show his ability to live out there on his own and not be in any trouble. He’s been living on his own for 6 months now. He has an awesome job with benefits, and is doing well in his college class.

Parents are told over and over again that there are warning signs to look for, to know what problems your children are facing. The list looks the same for each item, including just being a normal teenager.

Most kids are good. If you instill in them morals and a sense of direction, they will more than likely make it okay. There may be some bumps, but for the most part, they will be okay. There is a very small percentage that don’t do so well, and they are exaggerated. Parents have to learn to trust their guts about their children. Many times you can push a child to do the behavior you think they are doing.

The best you can do is keep the lines of communication open with your teen, let them know you trust them and love them. Give them a chance to succeed on their own at different times. Acknowledge the good, try not to stress so hard on the bad or unpleasant. PICK YOUR BATTLES. Pray for your child and for yourself.

Teenagers are no angels, but they aren’t all criminals either.

It took us 8 years to finally understand and get it. Us, the parents that were going to be cool, the ones who weren’t going to be like their parents, we weren’t going to freak out... but when we saw these kids/teens in trouble... we worried and didn’t want that to be our son... we almost pushed him to be that teen.

I wanted to share this with all of you, because we allowed the media and everyone else to influence us in what our teen was doing and how we should confront him, that we didn’t even stopped to think that this behavior might be normal.

So for those of you who answered, you are all right. That list of warning signs is used for all of those items, including normal teenage behavior. It’s too bad AJ had to suffer through 8 years of us confronting, questioning and lecturing him for us to understand it.

We’re sorry AJ. Will you forgive us? We were only trying to be good parents. We were trying to make sure we were doing right, and in doing so, we forgot to listen to you. We are very proud of you and love you so much!

What are these warning signs of - Please respond with your answer

I am going to list some warning signs that you should take notice of in your teen. I would like you to respond and tell me what you think the warning signs are warning a parent of teenager is happening to them. When you list what you think these things are warnings for, please list why you think so and any references you got your information from (ie, doctor, Oprah, book, magazines, news etc.) After people have had time to respond, I will post a new blog with the answer.

Moodiness
Grades in school are going down
Sleeps all day
Hides in their room
Keeps the door closed/locked
Distrusts adults that are/were close to them
Seems to have no emotion most of the time
Easy to temper
Mouthing back to adult/leadership figures
Shying away from family and family events
Stays in the dark/windows closed
No longer hugs/close to family figures like siblings, parents, grandparents.
Appearance changes (clothes, hair, piercings etc)
Vague answers to questions
Refuses to share information about friends and daily items
Stops doing chores at home
Changes the friends they hang out with
Small lies about small things
Missing money out of their account/savings
Stops going to church

Ten on Tuesday - REALLY LATE!!!

I forget if Ten on Tuesday is suppose to be blessings or just the top Ten issues of the week.... So I will take the latter this time..

10. Lemonade is much better than coffee!!!
9. Thin mints go well with Orange Sherbert... where's my sherbert!
8. Double Dates are nice... especially when the people are genuine
7. Missing this week's Ryanism... guess he's been busy!
6. The teacher threw away Ryan's castle he made before the deadline she gave out... he is crushed and so am I!!
5. Where is the time, where did it go? I'm overwhelmed!!!
4. Money... it came in, but it's going out just as fast!
3. Whale Watching and Birthday celebrations!!! Amazing!!!
2. Learning to not invest myself so much in others... it's time to pull back and get real on what I can and cannot handle.
1. AJ - do I need to say anymore?

Health Update 3/10/2008

So, today I went to my doctor at 5:45 in the morning. He didn't see me until 6:40 am or later and we didn't get out of there until 8:00 am. It really really sucked today!

Last night I fell asleep before taking my medicine so this morning I woke up in total pain!!!

The doctor viewed my MRI and stated that three of my discs in my back have small buldges on them. He asked me if I wanted to do epiderals or continue trying to fight it with meds. I said meds. He was happy to hear that. However I did tell him that I am sleeping almost 18 - 23 hours of every day. My body keeps shutting down. He is concerned that it is my Lyrica doing that to me. However, taking Lyrica at night prevents me from having to take Vicodin during the day hours. So he prescribed me Provigil today. I am suppose to take it in the morning and it keeps me awake during the day.

Bill turned in my prescription this morning, he went to pick it up this afternoon... Triwest doesn't cover this prescription (Balboa Hospital doesn't carry it), and to pay for one month's worth would cost me $300.00 out of my own pocket. The pills are $10.00 a piece!!! Why not just sleep the 18 - 23 hours every single day? Cause that means I have no life with my family, friends, or church. I can't even drive! I fall asleep driving. My body shuts down while I am driving!!! We are trying to fight TriWest and make them see how important this medicine is. But this all just started today!

So, I'm on my Cymbalta, Lyrica, and Vicodin at night, and hopefully Provigil in the morning.

As far as Bill's health is concerned, his appointment for his blocked saliva gland isn't until March 27th (that's the Navy for ya). He has also gotten his nasty cough back. So keep praying for him and we'll let you know after the 27th what's up with him.

So I don't know what to do. I'm asking for your prayers.