Frustration Setting In

I think that I have lost my energy and drive for moving forward right now. I've been so excited about all the changes, but the meds are finally kicking in and changing what I can and cannot do.

My meds make me extremely tired and I am now falling asleep in the middle of doing things. I mean I try hard to stay awake and push myself and can't. I don't drive anymore. I'm too scared to. I don't normally allow myself to believe I can't do something, let alone announce it to the world... but I'm scared.

Bill is going to Poland for 2 +weeks at the same time Ryan goes back to school. I can't drive him to school in the mornings because I could very well fall asleep while driving. Ryan can't walk to school, because he doesn't have anyone he can walk with. Since I have upped my meds I haven't driven at all. Bill takes me everywhere I need to go. I'm so dependant on him. I now have to either stop taking my meds while Bill is gone, drive Ryan anyway, or try to find a ride for him for two weeks. All my friend's kids go to different schools!

I hate this loss of independence. I hate having to rely on others. I'm not a very good receiver of help. I tend to feel like people think I should still be able to do it, and why am I whining and asking for help. I feel like people think I should just get off my fat butt and just do it. People probably don't think that, but that's how I feel. I also feel that I need to contribute to my own living and get involved instead of letting others do it for me.

Stubborn... I know. I pride myself on what I can do for others. I think it's because honestly, no one ever really helped me or my brother growing up. My mom did everything herself and always ended up helping others. After she was diagnosed with MS, everyone disappeared and she had to deal with it on her own.... I guess I'm more like my mom than I wanted to believe. All my life, people have never dropped what they were doing to help me. They have always seen me as the person who never needs help... I guess I helped make that opinion. ::sigh:: I hate this... I hate not being able to run to the store with the car if I want. I hate that I can't be trusted to drive my son somewhere.

I'm helpless and that makes me angry as hell. I can't work, but I can't get disability. I can't help bring money into the house. I can't help with heavy housework or deal with cleaners. Now I can't even do the running around. Bill has to do everything. He deserves the break. He deserves the trip to Poland, but he will be spending the whole time worrying about me and Ryan. I feel useless... I'm really starting to get depressed over this. I wonder if I'll ever get back to me again.

Keeping ya in the loop...

So I thought I would share my schedule and some new items that happened to pop up recently...

First off I FINALLY got my Acupuncture Appointment for January 25!!! Yeah!!

Speaking of needles I received a picture from AJ yesterday...

What do you think of his new piercing??? Someone grab the smelling salts for Grandma!

Anyway... keeping busy this week

Today - AJ visits, Jackie and I get together to finish plans for Friday, and we drive for Youth Group tonight.

Wednesday - Our 15th wedding anniversary!!!!! (also my sister's bday), Also going to Dr. Kim's to get her signature on an important paper.

Thursday - Dan & Donna come to visit!!

Friday - Spa Party for a few of my close friends!!! (Bill is taking Ryan and Dan to the movies)

Saturday - rest? not sure.

Sunday - Church and the CHARGERS GAME!!!!

Monday - Dr. Appt. at 6 am for Pain Management

Tuesday - Ryan goes back to school and Dan & Donna leave.

See? Busy Busy :-)

Taking the Good with the Bad or vice versa!

So I am really enjoying all my new meds. They really seem to be working well. The patches fall off easily, so I can't really put them on really active parts of my body.

The little machine that stimulates my nerves with electricity works well, it can get a little uncomfortable, but well worth it!!

The Lyrica is a God send... I love it love it love it... except one thing... It's called sleep. For some reason I can't sleep at all at night time, but when I do fall asleep around 3 am - 5 am, I'm out. I don't wake up until 11 am. Some people would say that makes sense. However, even nights like last night fell asleep around 11:30 pm I would say. I slept until 9:30 am (nature called) and fell right back asleep. I got up at 10:30 am. While I was typing at my computer, I kept doing the chicken neck thing. Yep I was falling asleep. I literally found myself with the letter "B" almost inhaled into my nose when I woke up. So I ate a little when Bill got home, but I still kept falling asleep. So I thought just a short nap.. almost 3 hours later... I still can't wake up.

Bill got the mail and there were lots of interesting things I wanted to look at. In the middle of a conversation and doing something with the mail, I fell asleep. I can't keep my eyes open or stay focused. I fell asleep so many times it was funny. But the weird thing, my mind didn't think I fell asleep. It kept on with what I was doing. I honestly felt I was still talking to Bill and thumbing through the mail, only to wake up drooling and the mail falling out of my hand.

So, I guess this is a new side effect of them upping the dose of my Lyrica. Please don't be offended if I fall asleep in front of you, on the phone, via emailing back and forth. Please don't be hurt if you want me to go somewhere in the morning and I say no. I'm in no shape to be driving anywhere, anytime soon... so don't ask me to drive or meet you somewhere, I won't be able to. While Bill is in Poland I will be a huge homebody.

So although many of you would love to sleep as much as I do... It's very hazardous and annoying how it happpens. I guess I need more starbucks LOL!

::HUGS::

Why are things getting busy again??

Okay, Christmas is over... why are things getting busy again???

Today I have some catching up to do on a few things (if I could just wake up)

Tonight - A friends 60th Bday party and taking Ryan to Beowulf

Saturday - making Chocolate Covered Cherries for an order, starting a very tiny and very detailed bracelet using small swarovski crystals and sewing it all together. Taking Ryan to Martins for more video game madness, going out on a date for the first time in almost a year.

Sunday - Military Table goes out at church, we are meeting with the deacons, have church, then at the meeting after church they vote on us being members or not. (I have a feeling they will vote Bill in but not me LOL). Try to catch the tail end of the Charger game. Then back to working on that bracelet.

Monday - working on the bracelet and preping my house for guests.

Tuesday - more of the same, (take Ryan to youth group) (Oh by the way it's Michelle's Bday)

Wednesday - is my and Bill's Anniversary!!!! 15 YEARS!!!! (also my sister's bday) I hope Bill planned something for us to do... If you have suggestions for him, his email address is wsipes@san.rr.com

Thursday - Dan & Donna come to visit and bring us Christmas presents from Chicago!!! Prepping for Party at my house on Friday night.

Friday - Dan & Donna visiting. The men are going to the movies while we ladies have a spa party. We have a few close friends coming over to relax (in our pj's), and talk about God.

So that's the week, are you tired?

Voting

Since when did voting become such a chore?? I remember when I was 16 wishing I was old enough to vote. I remember going over my mom's absentee ballot and talking about the issues. Then I was old enough to vote and I was excited!! I read up on everything, tried to make sure I was informed, and proudly walked in to vote.

Now, granted here in San Diego we have almost been voting every year it seems. We constantly had special elections... maybe that helped sour me.

Our primary is coming up and I still don't know who I am voting for, and I really am not looking forward to voting. So much legal speak in the descriptions of the props and too much fluff in the candidate profiles. No real answers there.

Debates are just grounds for points on who can interrupt and slam the other candidate better... oh and lets make sure the less known candidates aren't there or use so much of the main candidates time that no one gets to know all the rest.

And am I throwing away my vote like they say on TV... If you don't vote for Obama or Clinton... or if you don't vote for McCain, Romney or Huckabee, you are throwing your vote away. When people hear that, then they vote for the big names, cause they want their vote to count. Why is the press allowed to say that? I mean if I want to vote for a Ron Paul, Duncan Hunter, Edwards or some other hardly in the polls candidate... why should it be considered throwing my vote away?

Why do candidates pull out of the race two states primaries into voting?? There are still 48 states left!!! They spend all this time and energy, not to mention money, to quit 1 week into the primaries!!

Why does the press call a winner when only 30% of the vote is in?? I was told in school that even one vote can make a difference... but that's not true anymore, is it?

I'm tired of the big battles between the people who have enough money to run. When did this become a millionaire's race? It should be about who can do the best job, not who has enough money to last through the whole campaign.

I can see why some of my friends/family don't vote. I can see why my son hasn't even started looking into who to vote for.

They start programs like Rock the Vote, and try to get voter turn out... the best way they can get people to vote is to make it fair, make every vote count... stop telling us who are the main contenders and that the little guy doesn't even have a chance, or that if you vote for the little guy you are wasting your vote. Take away the money issue, and talk about the real issues.

Who are these people running for President. What are they going to do about the things that effect us most? Are they qualified, do they understand what the job of President is? Do they understand that they represent all the Americans, not just the rich, not just the poor, and not just those of their party?

I don't know who I am voting for... maybe my vote will be thrown away... or maybe I'll vote for one of the popular ones, and my voice will be lost with all the others voting for that guy or gal.

Are you going to vote? Do you know why? Do you feel your vote will be thrown away?

Ryanism

We were sitting at the table and goofing around playfully slapping each other... Bill playfully slap Ryan on the back of the head. Ryan slapped him back saying, "That's for making me lose more brain cells... now I'm down to negative one!"

Good News Today!!

Many of you knew that I had my pain specialist appt. (finally) today at 6 am. Let me start off by saying how impressed I am with Scripps Memorial Hospital. If only Balboa could be half of what they are. That being said, here is how everything went.

We woke up early and got to the hospital on time. I was told to fill out the paperwork, which there was plenty of. We were next put in a small ER looking area and I was on a bed filling out paperwork. A nurse came by and said, would you like some coffee or tea? I said, ummm tea? She said we have honey... anything you want in it? I said I usually take sugar or splenda in it.. She said we have splenda.. she came back with hot tea with splenda in it. Would you like a blanket? Yes please. She grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around me (I was sitting up). Later I was laying down and got cold again, so we put my jacket on top of the blanket. A male nurse walked by and said, would you like another blanket. I said please. When he brought the blanket it was toasty warm!!! All the staff smiled and was nice. No one was in the corner complaining!

Then I got to meet the doctor. He was looking over the paper work and when he got to no NSAIDs, he underlined it three times! Wow!! Okay now I like him... and not just because his voice sounds like Brad Garrett :-) So the doctor looks me over and asks me traditional questions. I tell him about physical therapy, some of the problems we've been having. He asks who diagnosed me (what type of doctor) when I told him a general practicioner, he said, I'll put in a referral for a rheumatologist! (I have been wanting that for like forever!) He said he wants the diagnosis to come from a rheumie! He looked over my medical history and my families and stated that later on he may want me to do a lombar MRI (checking for MS to rule it out). He acts like everything I'm telling him is pretty standard. I'm thinking we are going to have to fight this guy too? But he is laid back, cause he has seen this all before....

So .. he prescribes me these medicine patches to wear 12 hours at a time on the painful spots. He also gives me and Empi TENS. The Select TENS^TM Pain Management System is designed specifically for the relief of chronic, arthritic and post-surgical pain. This portable device, which can be used at home or on-the-go, integrates site specific, preset treatment programs that make it convenient and easy-to-use, ensuring that the patient receives appropriate treatment protocol for the applicable condition and treatment site.
We are hoping TriWest will allow me to have it. It's a very expensive machine and it will cost me $300.00 if TriWest doesn't cover it. I have already used it on my lower back and it works!!! Pain relieved!!!! It's portable too!!! I'll probably wear it to church.

Next he says he is going to prescribe me some pain meds! (Wow!!) Three solutions in one day?? I'm so excited. He then has me sign a paper that says from now on he is in charge of all my pain medicines and that no other doctor will be allowed to prescribe me pain meds, but him. That makes him my Fibro Doctor... if TriWest will approve more visits. So now Dr. Kim is there for routine stuff and colds LOL! Rite Aid, Balboa Pharmacy & Dr. Kim all have to sign that same paper acknowledging that he is the only one allowed to handle my pain care.

So now we leave the office happy and full of hope (that's when I text messaged some of you). We grabbed some starbucks and food and headed off to Balboa Hospital. While there we went to drop off the prescriptions... however the doctors name and license number was not on them and we couldn't get the medicine (not happy). So we went to the records department to have them mail copies of my file to me, so I can take it to my next appt. Then we went to Dr. Kim's office to get her signature and she wasn't there. The stupid guy at the doctor's information desk, didn't even know how to find out when she would be in the office next!!! ::sigh::

So then we came home... Bill was on hold with the pharmacy at Balboa for an hour before someone helped him!! He fell asleep twice!! He got no where with them. Now he is talking to the Doctors office again and they are telling him something totally different than before...

So we are happy with all the options and the moving forward... but we need prayer to get all the red tape out of the way and to have TriWest approve everything.

So I am happy! It is still good news and will be great if we can get TriWest and the Pharmacies to cooperate!!