Ten on Tuesday - REALLY LATE!!!

I forget if Ten on Tuesday is suppose to be blessings or just the top Ten issues of the week.... So I will take the latter this time..

10. Lemonade is much better than coffee!!!
9. Thin mints go well with Orange Sherbert... where's my sherbert!
8. Double Dates are nice... especially when the people are genuine
7. Missing this week's Ryanism... guess he's been busy!
6. The teacher threw away Ryan's castle he made before the deadline she gave out... he is crushed and so am I!!
5. Where is the time, where did it go? I'm overwhelmed!!!
4. Money... it came in, but it's going out just as fast!
3. Whale Watching and Birthday celebrations!!! Amazing!!!
2. Learning to not invest myself so much in others... it's time to pull back and get real on what I can and cannot handle.
1. AJ - do I need to say anymore?

Health Update 3/10/2008

So, today I went to my doctor at 5:45 in the morning. He didn't see me until 6:40 am or later and we didn't get out of there until 8:00 am. It really really sucked today!

Last night I fell asleep before taking my medicine so this morning I woke up in total pain!!!

The doctor viewed my MRI and stated that three of my discs in my back have small buldges on them. He asked me if I wanted to do epiderals or continue trying to fight it with meds. I said meds. He was happy to hear that. However I did tell him that I am sleeping almost 18 - 23 hours of every day. My body keeps shutting down. He is concerned that it is my Lyrica doing that to me. However, taking Lyrica at night prevents me from having to take Vicodin during the day hours. So he prescribed me Provigil today. I am suppose to take it in the morning and it keeps me awake during the day.

Bill turned in my prescription this morning, he went to pick it up this afternoon... Triwest doesn't cover this prescription (Balboa Hospital doesn't carry it), and to pay for one month's worth would cost me $300.00 out of my own pocket. The pills are $10.00 a piece!!! Why not just sleep the 18 - 23 hours every single day? Cause that means I have no life with my family, friends, or church. I can't even drive! I fall asleep driving. My body shuts down while I am driving!!! We are trying to fight TriWest and make them see how important this medicine is. But this all just started today!

So, I'm on my Cymbalta, Lyrica, and Vicodin at night, and hopefully Provigil in the morning.

As far as Bill's health is concerned, his appointment for his blocked saliva gland isn't until March 27th (that's the Navy for ya). He has also gotten his nasty cough back. So keep praying for him and we'll let you know after the 27th what's up with him.

So I don't know what to do. I'm asking for your prayers.

Ten on Tuesday

10. Cannoli's are hard to make without a pasta roller
9. David Z. is very interesting to talk to, once you get him to talk.
8. I miss AJ
7. Bill and I only have 8 years to get our stuff together and financial situation sound before we retire!!
6. My biological clock is ticking... I want a baby... I don't want a baby... we can't have a baby!
5. Ryan is still the funniest person I know
4. Sometimes the wife needs to take control in a relationship (wink wink)
3. True friendship can overcome anything
2. Physical Therapy hurts!!!!
1. My husband rocks my world in every way possible!

He was and is there

I have been through a lot in my life. People tend to be surprised at how much I have done in my life.

It was a rough childhood for me, then a very rocky young adult hood. Things have really mellowed now compared to the first 24 years of my life. The things I experienced as a child and young adult have made who I am deep inside.

There are deep parts of me that no one sees that exist. I hide them from people because unless they have been there, they won't understand. The scars are deep and never fade. The pain is real, emotionally. I feel things on a much deeper scale than most. It is very hard to be who I am, seriously.

Most people don't believe me about all of my accomplishments. They don't believe someone could have done so much in just the years I accomplished them in. Most people think I exaggerate what I have experienced in my life, when really I have down played it.

My life would fill volumes of books, yet everyone would say it needs to be filed in fiction. Trying to prove myself to everyone has been a task that has just about killed me, litterally. I have spent the time, showing people the news articles, the pictures, people who were there. It really sucks to have to do it, and it really sucks to have to do it for each person who decides to be in my life, but question what I am telling them.

I don't like being called a liar. I don't like people hinting that I am exaggerating. All my life, I have had to fight that assumption. From family just assuming that we were liars because of our dad, to people just not being able to wrap their minds around the life I have had.

There is one person who believed me, before I ever showed him the proof. There was one person who accepted me for who I was and the life I led. He didn't need proof, he didn't question me once. He believe me with all his heart. When he saw the proof it didn't shock him in the least.

This man who believed me from the start, is now my husband. A loving man who has given his love, time, heart, and life to me. He is the best he can be. He wants to be there for me.

Now that I have fibro, he has stepped up even more. He has taken more time with me, and been even more understanding. He has taken the knowledge of my life and what my illness is now and has been able to support me in ways no one else ever has. He gets it. He is there for me.

Although there may be times when he emotionally hurts me, or doesn't understand at the time, he is still trying to the best of his ability. He wants to understand, he wants our marriage to be the best.

Daily I see him try to be there for me. Daily I see the love he has for me. There are days where I tell him he doesn't love me, but that doesn't stop him from proving me wrong. He is amazing. He is my knight in shining armor, my hero, my love for all time.

I love you Bill with all my heart. Thank you for everything you have done for me, thank you for caring, loving, and being there, when no one else was.

My family loves to watch Myth Busters. If you watch it then you know most of the time they find the Myths, busted. Very rarely is a myth confirmed.

The other day I was watching the "Is using your cell while driving more dangerous than driving drunk" myth.

They drove a course sober and without a cell phone and passed with flying colors. Then they drove the course using their cell phones and failed very very badly. Then they got up to the legal limit of drinking (cops were standing by, closed course) and they failed. However, they drove better at the legal limit of drunk than they did with the cell phones sober.

This is scary. I see people on their phones driving all the time. I know personally that I cannot drive and talk on the phone at the same time. That's why I don't answer my cell phone all the time... or my passenger answers it for me. I have pulled over many times when I knew I was expecting an important call.

I'm really scared to know that this myth is not a myth it is scientifically proven. So then I got an even scarry thought... drunk and on the cell phone while driving!!!!

We all got along in this world without cell phones... we really did. I don't see why we can't put them down until we get to our destination... I mean insn't that what voicemail is for?

I would never be offended to reach someone's voice mail on their cell, knowing they could be driving. We all don't need to be found every minute of the day. I often use driving as my time to talk to God. I really don't like when that is interrupted anyway.

This are just my thoughts...

I don't know if I can continue...

So the last few days have sent me in a whirl wind...

I have a friend who is just exhausted and can't seem to have anytime for herself, but is still just a little too guarded to let me step in and help, which is okay... I respect her boundaries, and the fact that she is sharing with me makes me happy.

My ex-step-brother and his family delt with the stress of the Tornadoes in Memphis, TN, and him having to help his grandfather pass, and dealing with his dad making him feel bad for it. So, that worried me and made me sad

Then AJ spent the night last night and that made me happy.

But a good friend went to the hospital with an infection and I am told she is okay... but I haven't been able to talk to her yet.

Bill is coming home tomorrow and I am extremely excited....

A friend from our church passed away unexpectedly last night.. it is tearing me up inside. I've tried to put a positive spin on it... but the family is so wonderful... I just feel so bad..

Bethany, my friend, had her baby even though there some worries, everything turned out great.

However, due to a lot of crap in the last couple of days, I'm now having to review my friendships and decide who is toxic and who isn't.. I hate doing this. But some of my friends no matter how hard I try, just aren't really the friends that keep me moving forward. Some of them cut me down and send me so far backward, it isn't funny. I keep investing in these friendships, thinking if I just tip toe around them enough... if I just agree with them... nope. It just makes me hate me more. How much time should you invest in a friendship, before you realize it's not worth it. The thing is, I have introduced some of my toxic friends to my non-toxic friends and now I am worried. I don't want them to be sucked in too.

I have a lot of hard thinking to do.... I wish today wasn't such an up and down day. I should be happy... I'm suppose to go out with a friend... I'm suppose to be happy that Bill is coming home. Instead I feel the welts of pain from broken friendships, accusations, and pain of hurting friends, and friends who have passed on.

Maybe it's time to take a very very long break....

I'm Scared and Freaked Out!

Things have been happening lately in my life, that I am not sure I like. The last three weeks.. dreams have been coming true and it's scary.

Three weeks ago I had a dream that a very good friend of mine and his wife were at a gathering... God kept telling me to bring them money. I wasn't listening... but finally approached them and they said thank you and that they were needing it.

That was the dream... I approach my friend and told them about the dream and he told me about the financial problems he and his wife were going through and said that my coming to him with this dream was the sign he was asking for to make his next move.

Two weeks ago I had a dream that my good friend passed away. He is a Scouting friend and I was visiting all the places I had been with him.

That was the dream... the next day I ran into a Scouting friend who told me that my friend I dreamed of was very sick. I talked to his wife and she said he had just been diagnosed with liver cancer and will have a little less than a year to live.

Two days ago I had a dream that my ex-step-brothers wife, Allison, and boys were in a severe tornado. There was tons of damage all around them, but they ended up being safe.

Last night, Allison at one point had to hide in the hallway with her boys. She lives in a suburb of Memphis, TN.

I don't know why I'm having these dreams... I don't know why they are once a week. I'm just really freaked out and scared!